On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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