Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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