I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
