she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
