i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
