Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
