I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
