So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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