Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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