My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
