God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
