alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
