see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
