you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
