Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
