shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
