You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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