Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
