When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize