I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
