she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
