she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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