Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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