I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
