I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
