did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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