Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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