My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
