dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
