a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
