I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
