the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
