i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
