sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
