Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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