Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
