it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
