Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
