I want to have your abortion
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
