omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When are your genitals available?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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