I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
