A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
