yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
