Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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