so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
