i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
