But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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