dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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