I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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