i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
