when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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