im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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