Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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