All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
not ubering you a puppy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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