I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
