Just mADE A PArabola og urine
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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