i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
