i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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