youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
