i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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